why tulips?

(written last night.)

there's something absolutely unsettling about sitting on a plush, mustard-colored (and i'm talking about the nice mustard...like wes anderson mustard) couch at the hotel carlyle, knowing that the cotton cavas bag you have sitting next to you (the one you embroidered yourself with a grenade outline) is full of tupperware that you are bringing home from your 9 to 6 job.

while everyone walks by...um, including mick jagger right now...is long and lanky in cashmere and wool. they're chilled from the cold weather, but not nearly as cold as you are...

because they took a limo...

and you took the subway and spent several minutes walking a few blocks against an arctic blast.

at this particular moment, i'm feeling humbled as the sound of a big band leaks through some far off set of doors. i imagine the clientèle is tuxedoed, gowned and glittering. they tip everyone.

the doorman. the elevator man. the bellhop.

they have kind eyes, fat wallets and large luggage.

i stick out here.

...and the concierge keeps looking at me like i'm a criminal.

...as for the photo of the tulips...

well, i posted it because it puts me in a better mood.

flowers make everything better.

where have you been?

how is it that i had forgotten about the wonders of suspenders? i'm pretty sure the last time i donned a pair was over two decades ago.

clearly, i've been missing out.

if anything, i enjoy the fact that they remind me to stop scrunching my shoulders up (which is what i do when i get stressed)...they gently pull my shoulder down and back.

how shoulders should be.

hm. something tells me i may just have to start a suspender collection posthaste!

honk if you're demi moore...

so, i made the mistake of going to a loud restaurant friday night while sporting a pre-cold cough.

you know what you do at loud restaurants? you yell. you yell just so the person sitting right next to you can hear what you're saying.

it was lovely at first. got to meet dan's new lady friend. got to have scrumptious eats (oh, polenta, how your warmth and deliciousness washes over me like a millions waves made of tasty blankets)...had a wonderful time just seeing friends...

but after a few hours of yelling, some time sitting in a car with liam singing and smoking cigarettes, and a lot of chatting, i was left with a voice that is reminiscent of the screaming one does in a dream where they're being chased...you know, that scream that doesn't sound like anything...the soundless scream. just a mild rustling akin to the whispers of a rolling tumbleweed.

the weekend was spent nursing the issue. i drank so much tea, i think i'm releasing chamomile out of my pores. i slept more than i've slept in ages...and i watched more lost than i have in a long time.

i still managed to have an amazing sibling get-together which included ingesting a lot of carbs and philosphizing on our family and its quirks...and i got to have brunch with liam which included french toast, bacon...and later, a chocolate soufflé.

i'm back at the office now...and half of my co-workers like my voice now better than my real voice. they all say i sound like demi moore...and i'm not exactly sure how i feel about that...

let's not even get into my conversation with the IT guy whilst i was troubleshooting a computer about how his favorite demi moore movie was striptease...and how i sounded like her.

aaaaaaaaaaanyway, my paramour claims i sound like a goose.

i know. so flattering.

...but the fact is, i do.

i do sound like a goose.

honk!

new year's revelation

yes. yes...yes, i can do this.

i can grow my hair. i swear!

this year i'm gonna do it...and you know why? because i've decided that a pageboy is a wise choice...because when my hair is super long, i look super anonymous.

anyway, i don't like when people can't see my face. i like when people can see me scowling. it keeps them at arm's length.

at the same time, if i'm smiling, it's nice to share the smile...

who wants a curtain of hair anyway?

i don't...and hair is heavy, people. it's really heavy.

especially mine.

thanks to my mother, i've inherited hair that's made of really heavy steel. no one wants a heavy head...hair made of steel is incredibly tiring.

ok. so, that's my revelation of the day.

oh, that and how one should never visit a cold bar at an eatery and try to put fruit and food together...because by the time you get back to the office, it's just a fruity foody soup.

i speak from experience.

mangos, blueberries and blackberries shouldn't be mixed with couscous, tortellini and fresh mozzarella.

ok. it wasn't bad, but you get the point.

crabs & shorts...crorts?

ok, so today i went for a change of pace. i decided to accentuate my 13 year old chimney sweep style with some high-waisted, pleated, super-cuffed shorts.

i've never felt so chimney-sweepy in my life...and they're comfortable. i mean, does life get better than this?

life would only be better if i had a big broom with which to sweep chimneys...and some well-placed ash streaks on my face to accentuate my overall, hardworking yet naive and well-meaning personality or something.

i look forward to taking these bad boys (my shorts are, apparently, "bad" and of the male gender) for a spin in the spring sans the black tights.

...because currently wearing tights and shorts and stuffing your shirt in makes for some acrobatics every time you have to go to the bathroom.

aside from this revelation that pleated shorts can be worn without looking dorky is the fact that i still can't draw hands very well...so, clearly, my sketch is not of a girl in high-waisted shorts...but, rather, a hybrid girl crab who is confused about why she's wearing high-waisted shorts when she should be sidestepping back into the ocean for some fun of the crustacean variety.

in other news, i'm going to get my steak au poivre fix tonight at the pink pony with my dearest elizabeth.

it's peppery goodness will, undoubtedly, assure a good night.

late to bed and early to rise...

so, if feeling fabulous, wonderful and all refreshed was equal to 100%, i'm somewhere in the 65% area...ok, maybe 75% at most.

between this eternal cold front that is haunting the northeast like a raven and this mystery nose congestion that has been visiting me nightly, i'm not doing so well.

every night i promise myself that i'm going to go to bed early...and every night i find a cornucopia of things that i rather do than sleep.

of course, in the morning my first thought as my alarm blares into my ear (i've set it to a lovely chorus of, what sounds like, a barn of screaming roosters lit on fire at dawn) is "why didn't i go to sleep earlier?"

i drag myself to the bathroom and the first thing i do is check how bloodshot my eyes are. most days the whites of my eyes are a lovely shade of pale pink. those are the mornings after i've sat in front of my laptop for several hours just before bed and managed to cram in 6 hours of sleep. some days my eyes just look like murder victims. i mean, many more hours of sitting in front of my laptop or forcing myself to read because i'm starting to feel my brain atrophy, catching up with people or working on writing...suddenly, i'm lucky if i get 4 hours.

seriously...where did all my time go?

i haven't had a good night's sleep in ages.

ok, i blame the fact that one of my goals before the beginning of february is to get caught up on every season of Lost. (i started from the beginning in early november, if i'm not mistaken, and have made it through 2/3 of season 4...i should make it if i stick to a strict schedule - i'm pathetic.)

we have to have our dreams, right?

to top it all off...

i haven't exercised in weeks and my promise to eat healthier is pulverized to ash at the sight of anything baked, fried or just plain rich.

currently, i'm obsessed with dumplings, fish n' chips and steak au poivre...yes, i realize there is very little in the ways of anything green in those three choices.

don't worry. i'm eating clementines on a daily basis to ward off scurvy.

i suspect that this behavior is making my blood thick. all this lack of sleep and lack of healthy activity...i'm headachey and grumpy and whiney and want to punch myself in the face because i dislike when i'm like this.

i have to keep looking at my resolution list...

it makes me groan, but it's exciting at the same time.

i have so much to do. SOOOO much to do.

oh, and can someone tell me why i'm still smoking?!

comforting things...

so, if there're two things in this world that i rather not live without it's hats and hoodies. i'll be honest...i'm a fan. i'm a fan of either/or...but what i realized today was that i'm a fan of both, simultaneous.

yes, i did my hair this morning and, yes, it looked ok...but as i was about to leave for work, my new bailey of hollywood fedora cried out in desperation.

...but, how does one wear their hood if they are already wearing a hat that makes wearing the hood close to impossible?

well, you simply don't wear the hood. you use it as a neck warmer...and in this weather, you need a neck warmer.

that's right, people. not all fashion has to be fully functional...or, at least, it doesn't have to function for its specific purpose. i hear ladies are using leica camera bags as purses these days, so that's a good example.

so, you don't have to worry about how your hair looks and your neck is warm. that's about all i could ask for on a day like this. cold and unforgiving.

aside from this, if it happens to be a tuesday, you are also allowed to buy yourself an extra large coffee and be spastic. i've been haunted by my caffeinated nerves all day...twitchy and blinky and everything in between...

combine said caffeine with a few trips to nicotine town and you're all ready for an excursion of punchy magnitude. did i mention how i wanted to quit smoking?

yeah. not working right now...but i'm trying. really.

no. i'm serious.

hmm. i'm not sure how much i like today's sketch.

ok, ok...have to stop being so self-critical right now.

i'm gonna go get a nutter butter and pretend like i didn't think about eating healthier today because i'm a horrible person lacking even an inkling of discipline.

the joys.

good point

so, i discussed my blogs with my dear friend, eugene, today and he flat out asked me, "why don't you just combine all of your blogs together?"

i told him i wanted to keep everything apart.

my quips and sketches in one place.

my daily photos taken with my mobile phone in another place.

...and my secret writings in one other place.

then, coincidentally, something happened.

i drew something in my moleskin notebook and realized i didn't have a scanner handy...

so, i took a photo of it with my mobile phone.

...and then i realized what had happened.

without trying, i ended up combining my two blogs in one fell swoop.

funny how that happens.

...so, i guess i'm going to combine them for now...

my mobile photos with my sketches and quips...sorry, i'm not going to throw my secret writing in here just yet...if ever.

give myself a little more freedom and space to breathe.

be a little less structured. a little less neurotic about it all.

i guess i'll spend some time migrating my photos and posts over to this blog.

in the meantime, enjoy the quick sketch.

inspired by the wonderful (and by wonderful, i mean frigid and miserable) weather.

the future's so bright...

...and i forgot my shades.

bonne année: welcome to the future

so, it would be fitting that i should start back up with this writing/sketching business with the coming of the new year, right?

a bit cliché, but i realize that i need to hold onto something solid because i've come to realize that everything i've tried to hold on to thus far has been fleeting.

all i have is myself and what i can produce and share with the world.

so, that's what i'm going to do.

i'm going to share.

...so, i begin this post with this little thing called hope.

it's still little and fragile at the moment.

resembles something between a glass seahorse and white, overly fluffy hummingbird.

needs some nurturing and unconditional love...

in time, it'll make for a consistently reliable companion.

hope.

...and in the spirit of hope, i will now indulge in a list of resolutions that i might break before i even finish writing them.

i will...

• learn to develop my own black and white film
• rehaul my website
• work on my portraiture - i think i've had enough of objects for a little while
• seriously work on my illustration portfolio
• have a solo show at an art gallery
• actually work on the children's book i've been writing up
• quit...well, cut down on...no, no...quit...i'll quit smoking
• make a genuine effort to grow my hair
• write more (i will, dear readers!)
• submit writing to the new yorker
• not allow myself to be bitter for more than a few hours at a time
• try to exercise
• dress nicely
• sleep more
• get back to reading at least 1 novel a month
• cook more
• go out more
• smile more
• figure out what i really want to do with my life
• not be afraid

big plans, dear readers...big plans!

i'm going to do my best to not be utterly cynical this year...

i'm going to catapult myself into the future.

now's a better time than any, right?

right.

so, here we go.

let's see if i can get through this checklist without faltering too much.