2.26.2010

(s) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (w)


i'm not sure where i learned the art of feeling guilty for every little thing.

today's case comes in the form of being completely snowbound with no running public transportation nearby and no automobile to call my own.

i woke up this morning with very basic thoughts in my head.
"it's friday. this is good. i just need to get through the day."
"i hope the receptionist picked up a croissant with those donuts. i'm not really in a donut mood."

i didn't even think about the fact that it had taken me an excessive amount of time getting home last night after a wonderful dinner with elizabeth (happy birthday to her! i hope you like your hat! i want to see photos soon of you in it!)

speaking of the dinner, let's just tangent for a moment to talk about it...
french onion soup, steak au poivre, fresh sauteed veggies and a beautiful ending brought to you by one flourless chocolate cake with a delicate scoop of vanilla ice cream.
something about sitting at the pink pony on a snowy night in new york seemed perfect and i'm glad i was able to see elizabeth on her birthday.

so, back to the snow.
i woke up this morning and was going through the usual rituals.
i turned on the radio as i was getting dressed. there was a long list of school closings.
there was a story about a man who was killed in central park after a large branch, weighed down by snow, came crashing down on him.

then, somewhere between my lip gloss and mascara, the radio warbled about how the public transit system had decided to just stop because roads were impossibly snowy and icy.

hm.

i wasn't sure what to do...so, i continued to get ready, completely in denial of the fact that i wasn't allowed to go to work.
i took a little more time to eat breakfast and pondered the meringue'd landscape outside.
when i realized that nothing was to be done, i jumped onto my laptop, quickly informed my boss of the horrible circumstances and began working on emails.

the problem with working at home is that there are so few distractions and physical projects to deal with that you end up finishing up emails and such hours sooner than you would in the office.

then i sit around, feeling guilty, because i can't get to work and i don't have much more work to do on my laptop...so, i sit, stare out the window and wait for calls or emails to come in with bated breath.

i think i might just go outside and shoot some photographs after lunch.
this landscape is too beautiful to not get some attention...and, perhaps, i'll do a little something with my graphic design work.
yes, why not take a day to work on my own things for once.

...mind you, i'm saying this while my soul is being consumed by a fiery, unforgiving guilt that has been cultivated over decades of asian parenting, journeys of escape from low self-esteem, and a very annoying need to help others before i help myself.

speaking of helping others...
it's mum's birthday today, so i think i'll do something for her as well.

alright. off i go.

2.25.2010

beauty and saturation


i completely forgot to talk about one of the things that i had the pleasure of taking part in while over on the west coast...

watching A Single Man for the second time.

the first time i watched it was as a valentine's day gift to myself along with an intensely tasty greek dinner.

nonetheless, upon finishing it the first time, i realized that it was imperative that my paramour see it.
if anything, for it's visual mastery.

everything about it felt right.

it was beautiful on all levels, subtle, sad and made you think. it didn't induce the type of thinking that makes your head want to explode or pulls you into a dark, cold place from which you have a difficult time returning.

no, it just made me think about life.
it made me think about the truth about life and the truth about love.
it strengthened my adoration of the moments that go unnoticed.

...and i'm not going to lie...
i loved EVERYTHING about the movie from a fashion, architecture and style fashion.
what a perfect period piece.
makes me want to go buy an eames lounger, start drinking scotch and go back to smoking.
dangerous!

a very sincere "merci" to monsieur ford for the most beautiful film i've seen in quite a while.
everyone needs to go see it.

2.23.2010

standby romance


so, my weekend on the west coast has come and gone. the warmth of the sun and the springy scent in the air is starting to fade away, but in its aftermath, i can honestly say that i've learned a few things about life that i'm hoping i don't soon forget.

for one, unless you are retired or independently rich and like to travel at the drop of a hat, do not fly on a standby ticket.

i had the unfortunate experience of being bumped off of 2 flights and not even coming close to making it onto several others which lead to me missing a day of work, spending far too much on transportation back and forth from LAX, and wasting several precious hours of my life on security lines...all which left me sputtering in travel limbo, alone with my neurotic tendencies that rage when i'm stressed out.

i realize now that when one is in travel limbo, if they are ocd, they should not be left in an apartment alone. i mean, how many times can i attempt to fold my paramour's interestingly tailored hoodie before i can be satisfied? apparently, 6 attempts.
windex the coffee table? sure!
rotate the plants until you find the most pleasing visual angle? of course!
make the bed a few times? definitely.

thank goodness i was able to take a walk and shoot some photos.
get a decent mushroom omelette and drink a latte...not once, not twice...but thrice.

this is another thing i learned.
when you're stressed and anxious, drinking very strong lattes in quick succession will cause you to become a knot. i was so wound up that i couldn't even take a nap, which i desperately needed and ended up, more or less, blacking out instead after suffering a very painful tension headache.

...but enough of this nonsense about the negative aspects of the trip.
here are a few thing i can say about the airport experience that help...
  • terminals are much easier to deal with during the daylight hours
  • people who drive shuttles and cabs have some very interesting things to say - try talking to your driver next time...i was able to wax the philosophic with my drivers regarding socialism, language, the education system, public transportation and the importance of keeping in contact with humanity.
  • crack jokes with security people - they need a good laugh.
  • ask people their names, smile, thank them and shake their hand - it'll make you and the people who deal with you a lot happier - people who help deserve recognition.
so, now that i've gone over the things i learned in terms of air travel, on to things i learned during my short, but satisfying trip.

here's something i've always known, but didn't really think about very deeply until this weekend:

laugh

i know it seems so simple, but i laughed so hard i couldn't breathe many times this past weekend. i'm really starting to believe that nothing can make moments more beautiful than a lot of laughter. i only shed tears this time from lack of oxygen and general body quaking caused by more humor than my brain was able to handle and it was perfect.

next?

enjoy good food and good conversation

when i'm stuck in the daily grind, i always forget how comforting and reviving amazing food coupled with really good conversation can be. food of note this weekend?
  • kobe beef cheek on cracked wheat risotto & root vegetables (ford's filling station) - this was the softest, most intensely satisfying piece of beef i've ever eaten. it melted on contact with my tongue...all i can say is that these cows were very well taken care of.
  • fried squash blossoms with ricotta (pizzeria mozza) - i recently read about squash blossoms and wanted to see what they were about...and i was pleased as punch.
  • brussels sprouts with prosciutto breadcrumbs (pizzeria mozza) - sinking your teeth into all those fine layers of brussel sprout while experiencing the saltiness of prosciutto with the crunchiness of breadcrumbs is like heaven in spherical form.
  • margherita with mozzarella, tomato & basil (pizzeria mozza) - the pizza i order to gauge the quality of a pizza place...i wasn't disappointed. i even ate the crust. i suspect they import their water from elsewhere. italy, mayhaps.
  • prosciutto di Parma, rucola, tomato & mozzarella (pizzeria mozza) - a bouquet of proscuitto curled up like a big bloom of tasty meat, topped with rucola and supported by a cast of tomato and mozzarella. seriously tasty.
  • butterscotch budino, maldon sea salt & rosemary pine nut cookies (pizzeria mozza) - this dessert made me want to cry. it was so delicious...my mouth is watering just recalling my first bite. regrettably, i didn't get around to the cookies because my paramour and i were so involved with the budino. just the though of it makes my heart flutter...there i go again, getting teary-eyed.
can you take a guess as to where my favorite restaurant was this past weekend? yeah. it was spectacular.

...but the good conversations continued over various other little nibblies in the form of cheese, blue corn chips, and ordered-in thai food....and, ya know, despite how serious some conversations get in life, i really do appreciate them. it means that both parties are actually thinking on a deeper level.

what else...

enjoy your youth

i played a good amount of videogames this weekend and got to play a few rounds of laser tag. there's something great about being surrounded by a sea of children who take themselves too seriously in a laser tag arena full of fog machines and techno music. my paramour, our dear friend and i found ourselves in the thick of it and even had a chance to deploy a group of overenthusiastic, bespectacled asian boys out to cover our backs during battle. they reminded me of my japanese friends from elementary school.
it was all very endearing and sweet.
i can't believe how much time i spent as a child wishing i could grow up.

i did feel like slapping the kid who told me i had a low score.
...and then i recalled the cruelty of youth.

...i was disgusted by the children who couldn't have been more than 13, smoking outside the laser tag place...and i wanted to hug the 4 young boys who were pogging. oh, how youth plays with my emotions!!!

in other news...

make your surroundings beautiful

i am forever-flattered when asked to help with things of the decorating variety...and so, off i went with my paramour to take a look at plants for his apartment. we settled on three beauties and i gently suggested certain pots. i was so happy to see which ones he picked out. they were really lovely.

along with that, he had already done a pretty good job of rearranging furniture, cleaning and hanging up photographs, so we went in for the kill...a cream-colored, shag rug.
he had seen it already and needed my opinion...and i happily gave it.
all systems go. that rug complimented his dark wood floors and chocolatey couch like sea salt compliments butterscotch budino and makes it weep-worthy.

when all was said and done, we stood there, nodding our heads in agreement. good work. good work to friday & the city...and let's not even get into how wonderful the rug feels when walking on it...or what a joy it is to fluff the pile. it's these wonderful little gems in life.

in parting...

make the most of your time

i am not the first person to tell you that time is precious. i will not be the last person to say this either. life is something that needs to be loved...and despite the stress of staying another day on the west coast...despite the fact that it upset my work schedule and caused a lot of frustration, it gave me a chance to just wander around and enjoy the little things...
it also bought me a little more time to laugh and love the company of my paramour.
so, really, i can't complain.

...if anything, i regret being so agitated and stressed out as the departure time inched closer, but the final farewell (we had 3, so i think we were beginning to get tired of always having to just say "bye") was one of smiles and, for that, i'm very grateful.

2.05.2010

it's gone too far...


when do you say when?

when do you just give up on growing your hair out?

i'm starting to get to that point. my bangs are being all stabby and my eyes are takin' the heat.

...and, yet, i can't quite trim my bangs yet for fear of going from lash skimming mod to elementary school country bumpkin.

i'm seriously starting to question my hair-growing goals here, people.

what am i trying to prove exactly?
that i have patience?

bah.
well, i'm going to do my best to hold on for at least another week.

i've got a hair appointment on the 13th and that'll be the turning point.
do i just cut it all off again?...or do i explain my goals to my hairstylist and hope that she can shape the seemingly bowl-like structure on my head into something that doesn't make me squirmy and annoyed.

we'll see what happens. stay tuned!

goals for this weekend:
  • play a lot of scrabble tonight (but no more than 3 hours for fear that i'll suffer from scrabbitis...which is a soul-sucking depression and malaise that i suffer from upon playing scrabble for too many hours)
  • attend my chicago friend's birthday extravaganza
  • have tea with the paramour's family
  • illustrate!
  • come up with a submission...or at least start...to submit for a graphic design fundamentals book...deadline: february 15th.
  • work out
  • sleep!
sidenote:

i had a horrifying dream last night...

i dreamt that i was bitten by a poisonous snake in a dark, cement alleyway.
i was lying on the ground, dying.
i couldn't move and i could barely speak, but i had just enough in me to dial 911.
when the operator picked up, i explained my situation...
but when she asked me where i was, i couldn't answer...
because i didn't know where i was or how i got there.

yeah. that sucked.

...

have a great weekend!

2.04.2010

age or location?


i feel like the older i get, the hungrier i get...but, logically speaking, this shouldn't be the case. i mean, i'm done with growth spurts as far as i know (oh, please, please, please...give me three more inches. it's not asking much!) and it's not like i've been helicoptered into a subzero climate and need to layer myself with excess padding to ensure that my innards don't freeze.

so, what's going on?

i never used to be a snacker.
i was never one for mass amounts of sweets, though i do enjoy salty foods. (does that count as having a salt-tooth?...and if it does, that doesn't sound very pleasant.)

...i even grew up in a household where cookies and other such delightful sugar vehicles hid in every kitchen cabinet, every bowl and plate...everywhere you turned...and let's not get into the motherload that was planted in the basement closet. (cookies, crackers, sweets...a wall of them...as far as the eye could see! it was like we were awaiting the sucrose apocalypse.)

so, yes. never a snacker...until now.

as said earlier, i wondered if it had to do with me getting older.
...but i rule this out. there's no need for me to have extra calories in my diet...and i'm not pregnant. that joke isn't funny anymore.
in fact, it was never funny...

so, i'm starting to think that it's my place of work.
upon further reflection, i realize that my snacking started around the fall of 2008...which is when i started working at my current office.
it's 98% female, we all PMS around the same time, we all complain about that 4pm lull, and our cleaning woman always insists on purchasing boxes upon boxes of sweets for us.
people bake in this company...and they share their baking with their co-workers.
...and usually the baked goods are the type you can't say no to...
the type of baked goods that lure you in like lemmings off a cliff...
a sugary cliff of awe-inspiring carb-satisfaction.

any time of day, if there're cookies in the kitchen, you will hear one person or another popping the cookie jar lid open.

clink! clink! (it's a glass cookie jar)...
nom! nom!...
and then silence...
that guilty silence...

so silent you think that they were swallowed up by the universe the minute they finished chewing.

the kind of silence that tells you the person who's being silent is feeling bad about themselves and is considering going to the gym or not eating for the next week.

...or maybe i'm projecting.

2.03.2010

on being responsible...


in these dark economic times, one has to be responsible, right?

right.

so, i've decided to get back on the responsibility bandwagon and take the rickety road to frugalville. it's not necessarily a mecca of joy and frivolous living. it's more of a working village where everyone wears uniqlo and packs their own lunches.

speaking of packing lunches, i've decided to take two steps in the right directions. the first is to pack lunch at least three times a week. the second is to get back on the 8 cigarette/day diet and try to schedule a quit date.

i was doing pretty well there for a while in terms of packing lunch...but a new eatery opened up two blocks away that has the most wondrous hot & cold bar you've ever seen. i was defeated by the creamy yams and wonderfully textural rices and couscous...not to mention that they sell my favorite yogurt there.

it's just a dangerous place to be.
...and, of course, i always pick up the heavy items...so, my lunches have been at least $10 a day.

my wallet is constantly crying, but when i ask what's wrong it just looks at me with that expression...you know, the "you should know what's wrong" expression.
my wallet needs to realize that i'm no mind-reader (do wallets have minds?) and that it should just tell me what its issues are.

so, anyway, i packed lunch today.
i decided to make my sandwich as angular and square as possible and pretended like the discarded crusts cancelled out the bagel i ate when i got into the office this morning.

i haven't eaten any cookies yet.

...and tonight?
tonight i get crackin' on the illustration-side of my portfolio and continue my quest to weed through my digital photographs.

wish me luck.

2.02.2010

chez susan
















































if there's one place i would like to be right now, it's chez susan (preferably in the midst of what she does best...design aside...she designs pretty damn well too).
who is susan?
susan is my amazing co-worker that bakes to de-stress.

now, i'm going to ignore the irksome things that happened today and even pretend like my molar doesn't have a jaggy, horrible hole in it...
because i want to tell you about susan's baking.

this morning, i received these chocolate/sugar covered orange rinds...and they were, quite possibly, the highlight of my day.

every bite was like riding the crest of a citrus wave into a tangy-sweet bay of wonder where dreams are made of gum drops and the sun is lemon yellow...a place where vitamin c is rampant and no one ever has scurvy.

yeah. they were that good.

and i can't forget about last week...
the goodies she gifted us for our co-worker's baby shower bonanza...

for this particular celebration, susan made us chocolate covered cream puffs (both whipped cream and custard varieties), meringues, AND chocolate covered strawberries.

their tastiness was so paramount that i didn't even notice the fact that i had gotten completely full after the one cream puff...and managed a meringue, a chocolate-covered strawberry and a vanilla bar (which was made by my pregger co-worker...which were very tasty, but i didn't get a photo of them).

naturally, i felt like dying after eating all those sweets...but death by dessert never seemed like a bad way to go.

upon further reflection, i realize that i would like to master desserts to this degree at some point in my life.

perhaps it's something else to put on the resolution list...

...oh, like i don't have enough things on the list already...

2.01.2010

give & take


ok.
so, remember that resolution list i made a while back?
well, get this. i was actually able to strike one off the list! now, it looks something like this:

  • learn to develop my own black and white film (i need a film scanner!)
  • rehaul my website
  • work on my portraiture - i think i've had enough of objects for a little while (i took a few photos the other day...not sure if i'm getting exactly what i want here.)
  • seriously work on my illustration portfolio (i drew something a few weeks ago and hated it.)
  • have a solo show at an art gallery
  • actually work on the children's book i've been writing up
  • quit...well, cut down on...no, no...quit...i'll quit smoking
  • make a genuine effort to grow my hair (my hair has become excessively floppy...i think i'll have a pageboy in a couple of months...right now, i look like a foppish mod kid.)
  • write more (i will, dear readers!)
  • submit writing to the new yorker
  • not allow myself to be bitter for more than a few hours at a time
  • try to exercise (i totally worked out yesterday)
  • dress nicely (i got a leather jacket...does that count?)
  • sleep more
  • get back to reading at least 1 novel a month
  • cook more
  • go out more
  • smile more
  • figure out what i really want to do with my life
  • not be afraid
that's right! i've managed to finally work on my website...and that's what i did...all weekend, aside from some welcome respites in the form of caffeine and motivational conversation with liam.
i haven't worked like that in a long time, but it's inspired me to re-do my portfolio as well because...well, to be honest, i kind of dislike my portfolio at this point (nope, you can't see it anymore. i took the old site down.)

so, after coming to what seems like a mood/theme/style that i'm comfortable with...now i just have to push forward with it.

along with this comes having to learn to develop my own black & white film...which is part of step two. oh, so many things to do...it's all very exciting and scary at the same time, but it's starting to feel right. i can't just sit at home and do nothing anymore.

perhaps it means that spring fast approaches.
i hope so.

what else?
a chunk of one of my molars cracked off...
and my dentist is on vacation.

yeah. that happened around the time where i was thinking today wasn't a bad day at all and that i couldn't wait to go home and work on some illustrations and photographs.

we'll see what happens with that.

...

and in closing, i'd like to leave you with this.

i find it incredibly satisfying when i'm refilling a stapler and i successfully pull an entire bar of staples out of the box without it breaking.
it's the simple things, right?

(sorry, no photo/drawing today. fail whale.)
...ok. maybe just one.