sensational-eyes

so, i scheduled a doctor's appointment.

to be more specific, an ophthalmologist appointment.

it's been a while and i'm abominable and irresponsible when it comes to my own body. it's not that i'm paranoid something will be found or that i'm afraid of needles (ok, ok...i'm not a fan)...it's just that when faced with the choice between getting work done, spending time with friends & family, updating my blog, or, say, drawing something...OR sitting in a waiting room, getting poked & prodded AND having to pay for being poked & prodded...

well, clearly, the former choices are much wiser. right?

...right?

right.

so, i decided to leave work for an hour to deal with my eyeballs.

i guess they're one of my most important body parts because...well, i like to see things. last i checked, drawing is usually slightly easier when you have the gift of sight.

alors, i jump in a cab because, of course, the minute i realize i'm running late and sprint over to the elevator, i find out it's not working...then i wait for the freight elevator and the gatekeeper likes to take his time.

after giving him the password, the secret handshake and the souls of 5 seafarers, i'm allowed to take the elevator down where he offers me his bike. i consider it momentarily and then realize that it's a little dusty (which i normally wouldn't mind) and i'm wearing a blindingly white button-down shirt.

foiled.

cut to the waiting room where i have to fill out a encyclopedia's worth of information sheets (this is the part where i curse technology for beating my ability to remember phone numbers into a bloody pulp with an anvil made of lava)...which i always end up writing little notes all over such as:

EYE REDNESS: yes: X no: this is because i wear my contacts for too long and stare at computers screens all the time

OR

STATUS (MARRIED, SINGLE, DIVORCED, WIDOWED): single but involved!

OR

DO YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES? yes: X no: , if yes, how many? (occasionally, 1/2 pack/day, 1 pack/day, ___packs/day) 1/2 pack/day but, actually, slightly less!

...it's really no wonder why most assistants at doctor's offices think i have problems. it takes me a really long time to fill things out. i mean, who wants to be inaccurate about their own medical history? what if i forgot to tell them that i'm allergic to bad tailoring or uggs or asparagus? (i'm not allergic to any of those, by the way)...nonetheless, it could be chaos. (like cats-&-dogs-living-together kind of chaos!)

so, yes, a lovely staff...some great decor and a calm, witty eye doctor in a cute shirtdress (yay, shirtdress!) and tasteful earrings that i was ordered to stare at several times while she shot laser beams (bright lights) into my eyes.

they also had the most impressive (and neurotically organized - i appreciate such things) collection of national geographics. i entertained myself with the issue about white owls.

epic win.

a particularly amusing segment of the visit consisted of me holding the plastic spoon (i know it's not a spoon, ok?) over each eye to read the rows of letters. i mumble a lot during these exercises.

"A...3...5? wait. S?...O...no...0...it's something round...wait. don't tell me!"

"ok, ok, i got this one. F, 4, H, 7...wait. P!...wait...oh, i fail."

"...hmmm...this row looks like a line of oddly shaped dots..."

so, yes, i got numbing drops and bright lights...but no puff-of-air-in-the-eye (i know it's just a puff, but it feels like a vaporous cement block) OR dilation drops! apparently, my pupils are large enough. my co-worker now claims that i'm a drug addict. if by drug addict she means a nutella-lovin' son-of-a-gun... (i am neither male nor birthed from a piece of weaponry, so now i'm just not making sense.)

the numbing drops were interesting...

i mean, fine...numb eyeballs...they don't feel all that different. somewhat awkward...kinda like, "hey, eyeballs. i know you're working because i can see n' junk, but are you actually there?"

...but when said drops stream down your face and onto your lips...problem.

i realized, as i was speaking to the doc about my slight astigmatism (qu'est ce qui se passe?! i knew i had bad vision, but now astigmatism is added to the mix? bad vision turns into baaaaad vision. yes, folks, i did not add an A once, not twice...but thrice) my lips started to feel tingly.

by the end of the appointment i didn't feel like i had lips at all and i was mildly slurring.

possibly drooling on myself.

perhaps punishment from above regarding my lack of dentist visits.

so, i left...without paying. they took cash or check...of which i had neither. so, they sent me off with a cute little addressed envelope and told me to send payment later. talk about trust!

they armed me with new contacts, sprinkled with the magical pixie dust of fairies from the land of astigma...where everyone's retina is ovular.

now i can see forever (as in distance, dear reader...not time). i feel like a hawk! (insert echoing hawk cry over misty, purple mountains majesty...followed by a quick cut to ray and charles eames' powers of ten)

so, now i don't have to furrow my eyebrows! i can see into the windows of apartments across the way from my office! i can find waldo!

everyone better watch out! there's a new friday in town, eyeballs fitted with ocular precision, to silently judge every pore and fiber on your person!

wow. soooooo many exclamation points!

by the by, happy punctuation day to all! xo!