yes, the title is a spin off of the greatly feared store i've seen popping up around here, "destination maternity"...and for those singles out there, my paramour and i will be opening the much anticipated "destination cats" soon!...but i digress...have i mentioned that this city also offers mildly heinous events wherein one can truly indulge in the bizarre & questionable?...no?
well, where one may equate the curious and odd to sitting in front of their television, watching a reality show that discusses how badly boyfriends treat their counterparts and how said boyfriends can be "trained" to become upstanding citizens (yes, tool academy, i'm talking about you!), i found myself swimming in the primordial vat that is reality television...
exploiting the fragile emotions of desperate 30-somethings everywhere.
the premiere screening of a reality show based on wedding makeovers. oh, i could hear the strings being plucked on so many millions of sad violins as my dear friend, melissa, and i waded through the orchestral pit that is manhattanite ladies in waiting.
while melissa drowned her discomfort with sauvignon blanc and champage, i, being of the non-drinking set, decided to observe these strange creatures who, in the end, just want someone to love them...or someone to provide them with tennis lessons, trips to the hamptons and a few whimsically-colored lacoste sweaters.
after much fuss, there was a musical performance. rapping violinists from (surprise!) another reality show. very...hmmmm...contemporary?
they could stand to lose the modern-spin on the kid-in-play haircut...and let's get something straight. sunglasses on stage, unless you're blind or coming straight from the eye doctor (dilating drops are the pits), are tacky.
don't try to lie about the stage lights being too bright. i know you have a kanye west screensaver on your laptop.
great. performance done and now to the fashion show! wedding gown fashion show! omg! omg! sooooo excited...? no. well...melissa and i looked forward to seeing each others' reactions.
cue the hopeful, yet edgy, soundtrack and begin running the powerpoint show, painting the names of dresses across a disgustingly large flat screen in an equally grotesque font.
note to self: never use "playful" cursive in a powerpoint presentation. especially one presented on a large screen. that's up there with the venetian blind & page turn transition templates. (i know, at least, my paramour knows what i'm talking about. i'm not crazy!)
so, with each bridal gown shown, the models became increasingly stoic looking. stoic gradually melted away and revealed bitter and by the end of it all they looked like they were withering or wanted to kill someone. i would too. those dresses were hideous. each one more unsettling than the last.
blindingly blinged, ill-tailored, unnecessarily adorned...and one of the major qualms...ludicrous "hats" paired with, what could be considered, classic cuts.
these headdresses ranged from what looked like ridiculous sculptures (you know, like ones you find at malls...some board member's idea of "classing it up") to what melissa and i deemed the "diaper hat" (a cross between a deflated balloon and a baby's undergarment...but in a lovely satin material), much to the amusement of our neighbors.
oh, dear reader, it was a sparkly, fluffy, silky trainwreck...and it wowed all those sad creatures in the audience, sipping their bubbly whilst resting their hands on their friends shoulders just long enough to whisper a drawn out, "it's beeeeeautiful."
on a very important sidenote, i have nothing against weddings, the pursuit of love, and wedding dresses. i have everything against bad taste and clumsy tailoring.
this fashion occurence (in my head, it was an occurence...not an event) received enthusiastic claps from the crowd. melissa and i golf-clapped as we tried to recover our eyebrows. we discovered that after raising them with mounting vigor, they ended up on the backs of our heads by show's end.
then the screening happened. it was like watching a big tv on an uncomfortable couch, surrounded by uncomfortable people that make you uncomfortable. like a civilized college party, but with monumentally huge white rose vases scattered around. it was fine...until the tail end when the event coordinators thought it would be a brilliant idea to discharge mass amounts of white feathers on to the crowd during the big reveal of the show.
well, the machines that discharged said feathers sounded like shotguns and the only warning we all received was a mild raising of the lights in the venue.
i almost had a heart attack.
i mean, really...not wise to pull such moves in the city that's had a terrorist attack...oh, did i mention the president's in town?
aaaaanyway, they pulled it again at the end...luckily we were all very aware of the sudden shift in lighting and everyone ducked.
this time, tissue cut-outs of doves were expelled with great force...
and, someone should've told the people who set it up...if you ball up tissue, the likelihood of it despersing like pretty snowflakes, after being shot out of a machine that resembles a tennis ball shooter, is 0%. instead, people will be pelted with clumps of tissue which, upon impact will fall into piles by their feet...exposing the dove outlines of said tissue after the lumps have settled on the floor.
preposterous.
now, on to the best part...and i'm not being sarcastic!
we bolted upstairs after the show. the objective: the dessert lounge.
empty stomached, we attacked with no mercy.
first we had some chocolate-covered strawberries...huge and decorated to look like groomsmen...doomed men...in our mouths. NOM!
as we munched on those, we grabbed a few small slices of red velvet cake. scintillating! so light and fluffy! so flavorful, but not overpowering! it was gone in two bites...NOM! NOM!...all of it.
then it was on to the stuffed cupcake table...
we precariously balanced several cupcakes in our hands:
- a nutella stuffed number with chocolate frosting
- a canoli cream stuffed lovely with cream cheese frosting
- an oreo cream stuffed ditty with vanilla frosting and a mini oreo on top
- a strawberry stuffed dish with cream cheese frosting
by the end we both felt like throwing up, but were so amused at ourselves that the nausea subsided just long enough for us to grab some more sweets for the road. we exited stage right in search of a diner, the echoing NOM(!)'s fading slowly in our wake.
we made it, we ate, my stomach had a momentary coup against me, we chatted and rummaged through the gift bags which graciously allotted to us:
- silicon chicken cutlets to stuff in our bras (so cold & awkward)
- lip gloss in two apalling shades (gross aaaand gross)
- nail polish (it was clear...i got nothin' on this one)
- water (with electrolytes - how exciting)
- facial wash (thanks?)
- coupons (20% off thousands of dollars...now it's only a couple of thousand as opposed to a few thousand!)
- CDs (cut to rapping & violins)
- faux lashes (can't argue. me likey.)
- a men's guide to proposing and buying an engagement ring
...wait, what? what was that last one?
yeah, that guide would be great to have laying around...in fact, i'd be sure to leave a note with it on the coffee table:
dear paramour,
i've decided that instead of strategically placed
marriage magazines, this approach is much more
direct and, as such, i will be using this method henceforth.
now then, i will pretend i've never seen this piece of literature
in my life.
good luck & godspeed,
friday
...deliciously daft. n'est ce pas?
all of it was painfully cliché, but it was a great night out with melissa and i was able to see my paramour's father as he so graciously offered to drive me home. i met up with him donning my favorite figurative bells on, let me tell you.
a lovely end to a lively evening...
and that, dear reader, was quite a post.
i just don't ever know when to shut up.
just remember: combining wedding gowns and post-modern hats is taking the bullet-train to NO-town - don't ever be that woman.
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