i am not a mean person.
far from it.
i consider myself the short stop on team forgiveness most days of the week (including the very hated tuesday).
i just don't have the energy to go out of my way to be negative...
this is, of course, unless it has something to do solely with myself.
right.
...but i digress.
(have i mentioned that i hated the way my hair looked today? i'm so trite!)
so, it's settled. i'm not wicked.
now, with that said, let me tell you something.
i was visually offended today, my readers.
visually offended in a way i have never been visually offended in my life.
i usually save this phrase for things like orangey-beige colored walls, the overuse of neon or tartan...cadavers...and they have to be cadavers that are really far along...and even then i'm more likely to be olfactorily (friday, that's not a word! i know. don't judge me!) offended before being visually offended.
so, it came as quite a surprise when i groggily emerged from the office kitchen this morning, lightly toasted bagel and coffee in hand, and bumped into von tack (see this entry as a reference point).
now, usually her daily garb only makes me mildly uncomfortable.
her wardrobe is a small snippet of post-haircut hair in the cardigan of my office existence.
it often doesn't seem to come from the land of reason...and, admittedly, i'm often a stranger there, but i find it a good place to vacation...especially when it comes to bodily coverings.
back to the issue of urgency...
i bumped into her.
...now it took a few seconds for me to focus...
but the instant i did, my eyes burst into flames...flames of confusion and disbelief.
first i saw the "streamline" (another word for disproportionately small), bright orange, patent, iridescent, metallic sneaker-shoes...i'm not giving them the full title of "sneaker"...i'd like to see an athlete get even close to a quarter mile in these things before their utter ugliness swallowed their feet whole.
then came the knee-high, crayola blue socks...a look that even lord fauntleroy gave up after he reached pre-pubescence upon which he opted for black socks and, probably, black nail polish so he could play a few emo songs on his harpsichord about his disturbing childhood. (oh, there i go again...so tangenty!)
knee-high, people...
that's the visual equivalent to playing holiday songs backwards on high speed.
next up, the bubble skirt.
now, for those of you who are not aware of what a bubble skirt is, wikipedia defines it as:
a voluminous skirt whose hem is tucked back under to create a "bubble effect" at the bottom
now, picture a bubble skirt that is iridescent blue/yellow and metallic.
...puffing out like the baked goods of an overzealous child with a muffin tray too small and a propensity for over-pouring batter.
just plain sloppy and cartoonish.
did i mention that it rustled when she walked by...
it touched my leg too and i almost screamed.
moving along, there was the black shirt...which seemed ok at first.
a brief respite from the fire that had been melting my eyes into puddles of NO...that is until i realized that the back of it was slit and tied up like a corset.
these kinds of "charming details" are best left for halloween and goth-themed parties...perhaps a premiere of one of the many vampire-based shows and/or movies that have been attacking my senses over the last couple of months.
...but, yes, corseted shirts should be something you pull out once a year to laugh at and quickly hide or send to the goodwill...
or something your pull out every 5 years to wear...
as a joke.
...and on top of this black shirt was another choice piece of eye candy ("candy" in this case means deadly poison that will crush your soul with the force of a thousand stalactites falling from the cieling of your mind and piercing the floor of your mental stability)...
a jacket...
but not just any jacket.
it was a cropped, orange, iridescent, metallic, michael jacksonian jacket...
this was the icing on the muffin.
it looked like something a disco astronaut would wear...
well, a caricature of a disco astronaut.
wait a second...was there ever a disco astronaut to begin with?
well, i assure you, if there was, he would've been wearing that jacket...but probably would've had the sense to leave all his other iridescent items at home.
my eye flames were so fierce by this point, i almost dropped to the floor to feign death for fear that her outfit would sense me and eat me alive...or at least threaten to annihilate my meek style sense.
i won't even get into her hair (ok, ok...just a little bit - fake bangs and crimping were involved!).
so, what have we learned today?
- when leaving your home in the morning, be sure to take a quick look in the mirror and ask yourself, "would a random person on the street suspect that i'm blind and fell into a box of discarded costumes from xanadu?" - if the answer is yes, change.
- iridescence should be left to oil puddles in parking lots and the surfaces of bubbles...if you own more than one piece of iridescent clothing, burn all but one...and make sure the one you keep is small...like a handkerchief or headband. wear this one small item with extreme caution.
- speaking of bubbles, unless your legs are twice the length of your torso and have the same circumference as a pool cue, you are not allowed to wear a bubble skirt. if you're over 30, you should mentally prepare to be laughed at. in fact, no matter who you are, don't wear short bubble skirts...i just...just NO, ok? NO.
- the lethal combination of "streamline" sneaker-shoes and knee-high socks may cause children, small pets and foliage to disintegrate upon your passing by...and if that effect does not occur, you can expect that you will, at least, receive many looks of disbelief from women wearing sensible shoes and slacks - please note, they are not wishing they were you. at some point, an older gentleman may offer to buy you a new outfit in order to save the world from having to see this combination ever again...and this older gentleman will be considered a hero and a philanthropist for the rest of his days on earth.
- hair should never be two textures simultaneously...even barbie couldn't pull off that kind of poppycock.
- do not wear orange...if you are going to wear orange, do not wear blue (blue and orange are opposites on the color-wheel, people...it makes your eyes hurt)...in the same vein, if you are going to wear orange, do not wear black...contrary to popular belief, every day is not halloween...even if this is a really liberal city.
these are the lessons...repeat them daily and this will ensure that, though you may not have a stellar wardrobe (but i'm going to assume you do if you're still reading this and aren't hurt by it - if you are hurt, i'm sorry...i'm sure you wear your iridescent clothing very well), you will be able to avoid setting people's eyes on fire...
and, really, isn't that a relief unto itself?
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